The Tory leader David Cameron has announced that he is signing for Manchester United, as well as playing drums in a reformed Led Zeppelin, and in addition is joining Robbie and the lads in a 'New Take That'.
Mr Cameron, 14, is said to be "very excited" at the prospect of leading the Conservatives to victory at the next election, on the back of a 'People's Agenda' - not unlike the 'Cool Britannia' campaign instigated by Labour. In fact, exactly the same as the 'Cool Britannia' campaign instigated by Labour.
Mr Cameron, 3, said he has " a vision of a country in which everyone does things, but nothing too specific - the success of this grand nation of ours depends upon its citizens being vague, nebulous and glib. We must not have a return to the bad old days of industrial unrest" - which Mr Cameron described as being due to "people having jobs".
Research by Professor Xylonite Thrinch at the University Of Money in Washington seems to support this hypothesis. "People get greedy when they have jobs which perform some real function. They think that they might actually be valued by some sections of society, and demand higher pay. We conducted an experiment, whereby we gave people pointless tasks to fulfil for anonymous businessmen, and they received a paltry sum for their efforts. 90% of them went into a glassy-eyed, zombie-like state within three months, and we were able to effectively lower their wages without them noticing. The future lies in being able to convince the workforce of the value of not thinking. About anything".
Mr Cameron, 9 months old this week, wholly endorses this 'automaton' approach: "I've gathered around myself a shadow cabinet of nonentities, buffoons and the odd lunatic, and we'll hammer home our message until it's understood by everyone, at the level of stimulus-response. There is really no alternative. There is really no alternative. There is really no..."
Channel 4 are beginning a re-run of every episode of 'Big Brother' tonight.