Written by Jamie McGarry
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Topics: Cars

Thursday, 11 March 2004

image for Codgeton Cars Cause Countless Catastrophes
Down, but not out: The poor vehicles shortly after their 5th crash this week.

THIS WEEK HAS been dubbed "the week of quite a few accidents" by residents of the sleepy town of Codgeton, due to five accidents happening on exactly the same spot of road, involving exactly the same vehicles.

Mr. Bateson's Ford and Mr. Carp's Honda are now so damaged they are barely recognisable as cars, but the drivers refuse to stop driving the hunks of junk.

"The engine still runs, and the wheels still turn," said Mr. Bateson, just after we throttled his cat. "Have you seen my cat lately?"

Mr. Carp was unable to comment, for some reason, but the driver's long-time neighbour Mrs. Kate Shrewd had a great deal to say, mostly about her Kevin's recently aqquired "A" in Metalwork at Codgeton Comphrehensive School, well known for it's unique logo showing a hamster urinating on Jeremy Beadle. This was based on a real event during the opening ceremony of the school.

The accidents were caused by the driver's new meticulous schedules, planned for them by their mutual boss at Codgeton's Lego factory. The men were almost always late, so the top dog Mr. Jones planned a meticulous schedule for their days, with everything timed to the nearest second.

"I need my workers to actually come to work. Those bricks don't make themselves!" Said Mr. Jones, adding: "Yet."

In hindsight, the schedule was a bad idea, as when the two men left their driveways at exactly 8:50 in the morning, they drove into each other. After this happened for the third time, Mr. Jones was reccomended to make changes to his schedule, but he was believed to have said that the problems would "iron themselves out, in time."

Mr. Jones had also forgotten to include any toilet stops in his schedule, costing Mr. Carp £50 in underwear since it was introduced. However, Mr. Bateson, with a pained expression, told us that he has "tied a knot in it."

Mr. Bateson's bladder will be exploding at 4:30 PM this Saturday, in a televison special hosted by local celebrities Jeremy Beadle and a hamster.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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