Clarence House - (Ass Mess): Buckingham Palace is said to be livid at a spate of Daily Mail fantasy-peddling claims that the heir apparent to the Pretender to the Throne secretly wed his former girlfriend Kate Middleton while on Holiday at Butlins in the Maldives last week.
"These psychotic delusions of grandeur must stop at the Mail," Lord Chamberlaid Lord Luce-Cannon said today after yet another assinine Mail feature purported that William - "s-o i-n l-o-v-e" once again! - and Kate Middleton secretly tied the knot on holidaay without telling anybody else.
Reports that 25 year old William 'has proudly paraded his heterosexuality and sealed his manhood with a wedding ring' have met howl of derision among professional paparazzi who trailed the daftass couple all last week before confirming, yet again, that no man-woman acts of coitus ever took place on the fabled holiday isle where the two 'lovebirds' were esconced.
Today Middleton was noticeable absent from the Diana wankfest at Wellington Bollox Guards Chapel where the Hellfire Club staged their latest spin spectacle in memory of the silly cow Diana who perished in a drink drive accident because she failed to wear a seatbelt.
Some sixty to seventy people gathered outside the memorial service today from a central London rent-a-crowd agency.
"It was all rather dreary and pointless," the BBC's Nicholas Witchhazel said today, wiping a tear from his manly brow.
And outside Kensington Palace a flock of pidgeons mysteriously shat all over a pathetic floral display in memory of the People's Princess.
Chelsy Davy is 23.