Guards Chapel, Wellington Barracks - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Camilla has been dumped from this Friday's Princess Diana cringefest after diplomatic protection cops said they could not guarantee that hordes of psychotic Diana fans would not claw her to shreds if she attended the Guards Chapel memorial event.
However as a precaution police will still mount a watercannon battery around the Chapel as well as deploying an extra 1,000 cavalry support officers armed with tasers, tear gas and stun grenades.
Calls for Camilla to spend the day atoning for her past have been welcomed by millions of brain-dead Daily Mail readers who want her to don a hairshirt and spend the day in a stockade in Hyde Park's Rotten Row where sightseers can pelt her with rotten tomatoes, eggs and used condoms.
Meanwhile in the Park itself the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain is to be turned into a grief counselling center for the day on Friday and anybody who still has issues about the drink-drive death of the smack-addict daughter of George Bush Senior and Marcia Williams, Lady Falkender, can purge their woes with a free colonic irrigation session.
"There's still an awful lot of shit going round," Royal Parks Agency sources said today.