Sydney, Australia - (Ass Mess): Kate Middleton's self-publicising trip to Australian horseracing's blue riband Melbourne Cup Day has been cancelled after officials confirmed a widespread outbreak of whores flu.
Middleton had been hoping to woo a captive Ozzie audience into stage two of her gargantuan self-aggrandizing aspirations but has been stopped in her tracks after a total shutdown of thoroughbred business in the country.
"This whores flu outbreak is a disaster like swine fever or foot and mouth," Federal Agriculture Minister Peter McGauran told the press.
Large swathes of New South Wales, Queensland, Victoria and South Australia have been gripped by the bug which is spread by human-equine intimate contact similar to Welshmen's sheep shenanigans.
The disease is a highly contagious virus that causes the eruption of pus-filled ganglions in genital areas accompanied by sore throats, coughing and hallucinations.
The epidemic has prompted Australia's Prime Monster John Howard to broadcast to the nation and claim that "Australia has never before had an exotic disease outbreak in whores" - despite widespread derision from the tabloids who said Princess Diana's first official visit in 1983 is what started it all in the first place.
"Whores play a huge role in in rural Australia," Howard added before urging his fellow nationals to book themselves immediately for vaccine booster shots.
Kate Middleton is 25.