Buckingham Palace - (Ass mess): Kate Middleton has been officially barred from next Friday's Princess Diana memorial service at the Central Neasden Mosque after Buckingham Palace's Lord Chamberlain, Lord Luce-Cannon, said "no slappers, tarts, whores, paid bits-on-the-side, bimbos, comfort women or heroin dealers" would be permitted to sully the event with their presence.
"It's bad enough that 90% of those invited are all re-invented Provisional IRA terrists impersonating establishment figures," Luce-Cannon said today.
"And that virtually all the male guests at one time had shagged Diana during her tenure of Kensington Palace.
"But I really have to draw the line at that disgraceful Middleton gal and have asked Special Branch to eject her if she so much as comes within one hundred yards of the event next Friday."
Luce-Cannon's words were a grim reminder that despite all the hype of daftass UK tabloid rags like The Daily Fascist, Kate Middleton is still persona non grata after being dumped last January and exposed as a smack addict with no gainful employment other than leeching on Buckingham Palace hush-money.
"I hope she'll see sense and avoid a spectacle," Luce-Cannon added. "Although some might consider it amusing for her to be seen on the telly led away in handcuffs, or the men in white coats!"
Chelsy Davy has got crabs.