In a move to ease the suffering of parents across the world, schools will now have a universal ban on Violins and Recorders being used as a form of torture/music making (depending on how much a parent loves their child, and or music).
The instruments, usually to be found in the hands of children aged between 4 and 11 have long been the bane of the lives of both parents and children for a long time now.
Mr Jones, of Penrhyn, a parent who does not wish to be identified said: "I love my Children, but when they play duets for Violin and Recorder it sounds like cats being drowned in a colander. I have done that myself, I get bored easily, and it is not a sound I would want to inflict on any one else.
"This would be welcome relief for parents and children. They can practise shouting, and conversation, and culture, computer games, perhaps learn the scripts verbatim to a series of Star-Trek or Quantum Leap, and then move onto McGyver, or even the A-Team. In my day, we had the cane. That was fair enough, if we did wrong, it stopped with us, and nobody else was ever harmed.
"Now, these kids they just want to inflict this suffering on their friends, their class-mates, their parents, their siblings, their grand-parents, and we are meant to go a long and clap and be happy. Honestly, it is almost like going to watch someone burn of their eyebrows. It goes against nature, but you just have to hope that they will stop somewhere!"
As did Mr Jones, when we left him alone with a colander, and a Lion who had not eaten for three weeks.