London - (Ass Mess): Expect a massive surge of foreign 'guest workers' in time for the 2012 London Olympics. That was the stark message from the Department for Culture, Media and Sport today after alarming statistics were released showing that the entire UK is down to its last 2,000 hookers, of both sexes.
"This will never do," a London 2012 spokesman said today after Athens 2004 Olympic chiefs warned that according to internationally accepted sporting norms at least 3 hookers per 100 residents would be needed to satisfy standard consumption patterns "and that means the London region will require at least another 25,000 - minimum."
Meanwhile in Beijing the country's draconian government has officially denied that any lawful sex trade exists in the capital and reiterated its position on clamping down hard on vice practices of any kind.
"But unofficially of course," a Sports Ministry source said today, "we need as much foreign revenue as possible and this could be much too lucrative a chance to miss.
"We estimate at least another 10,000 hookers could be granted temporaty licences for next year's Games.
"These can be issued under seasonal trading terms for sports massage professionals, grief counsellors and shiatsu instructors.
"Applicants must undergo a full medical and have all th4e necessary immunizations."
The news was met in London with mixed reactions.
"There's no need for any foreign workers," a Daily Fascist editorial said today.
"We have, after all, plenty of natural talent in these shores.
"And with an estimated 20,000 unemployed Essex girls currently twidling their fingers this could be the answer we are looking for."
Kate Middleton is 25.