Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Royalty

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

image for Evil genius is resurrecting dead monarchs
Queen Victoria would not have been amused at the emergence of several Zombie Monarchs

On Sunday, one of our top reporters, websmuggler, reported on the unexpected return of King Edward VIII, who has demanded his crown back. Today, King Richard III appeared and also demanded his throne. "What gives me the hump is that I was deposed by that traitor Henry Tudor", he said in a theatrical way.

Later the same day, none other than Edward I appeared. Edward, who was known as "the Hammer of the Scots", because he did a bit of carpentry work in Edinburgh, had a fearsome reputation as an invader of other people's countries and an anti-semitic bigot. His son, Edward II, who was a right royal woofter, has remained firmly in his several coffins, having been disembowelled by his wife in the Tower of London.

Idiot crowds outside Buckingham Palace were heard cheering "The Kings are undead, long live the Kings".

The sudden emergence of Zombie Edward VIII, Zombie Richard III and now Zombie Edward I, has led some scientists to speculate that "an evil genius has been resurrecting dead kings". The motive is not known but is believed to be "not good". With the Queen and the Royal Family having fled to Balmoral and the Prime Minister hiding in Chequers, the field seems open for a Zombie Coronation. This could throw the country into turmoil and lead to the election of a crazy political party like the Liberal Democrats.

However, experts in the law say that although Edward I has the prior claim, his undead status may present problems with his claim for the throne. "Historical precedent", said one Royal Observer, "has always required the King or Queen to be alive."

We tried to get an interview with Zombie King Edward I, but he was apparently en route to Falkirk to meet Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, carrying a large axe and a pike.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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