Westminster Abbey - (Arsehole Press): The Archbishop of Canterbury has penned two prayers ahead of credible rumors that the Serious and Organised Crime Squad is about to bust him for peddling bigamous weddings to wannabe royal scoungers, just days away from publicity stunts designed to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.
"Oh God, what an unholy mess," the first prayer begins.
"In your wisdom and mercy I beseech thee O Lord, grant that I may get away with these acts of crass stupidity.
"Forgive me the innate folly and pride that wifully and knowingly married two IRA terrists so they could stake their claims to the Principality of Wales.
"I implore thee, Father, look mercifully upon me, worm that I am, and show me the path to wriggling my way out of this morass."
The second prayer, to be read out at the official memorial service at the Guards Chapel on August 31, is equally plaintive and evokes the frail ground on which the Archbishop stands as he reviews the farce of his ludicrous position:
"I beseech you, Holy Father Moloch, cut us a bit of slack.
"Good Lord, grant that the silly impostor who masquaraded as Princess Diana will never be outed as a blackmailing little smack-head.
"Help us continue to shield her blood parents, George Herbert Bush and Marcia Williams, as they struggle to keep up the whitewash about spawning this monster so hyped by the press.
"Give us your continuing grace and favor residences that we, who are in the know, may continue happily creaming off taxpayer handouts.
"And streer us in your infinite wisdom as we navigate the tricky disaster that is William and Kate Middleton.
"And, if at the end of the day it is Your Will, I implore you forgive the stupidity that has created the treason of the Duchess of Cornwall.
"But above all grant us the serenity to accept the things we have tampered with so foolishly.
"Courage to fabricate the things still outstanding.
"And the wisdom of knowing who to blame if disaster strikes!"