Written by Jean-Claude van Samm
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Topics: School, Alcohol

Thursday, 5 July 2001

image for School days are the best of your life.
No more milk for kids...

A shocking revelation came to light earlier today from the Minister of Education that is sure to cause controversy.

In the biggest shake-up in the history of British schools the government plans to bring back breaktime drinks for youngsters. However, this time milk will not be the issue. In an attempt to cut truency which has become a major problem in this country, the ministry intends to introduce alcoholic beverages into the daily lives of school children.

The move follows reports that more young people than ever are taking to the drink instead of attending classes. The new measures will aim to tackle several problems at once.

Hopes have been raised that more children will stay at school if they know there is free drink, thus cutting truancy. Secondly it will cut litter on the street as schools have the facilities to deal with the waste cans and as a result there will be fewer bottles of cheap cider under railway bridges and such like.

Also once they have built up a strong enough addiction it is hoped that the lure of stronger booze such as Tequila and Sambuca in A-level stages of school will encourage more children to remain in classes until they have taken those exams and maybe go on to higher education with guaranteed heavy drinking at universities.

Parent groups have branded the governments plans as irresponsible but the minister insisted:

"We can quite understand parents fears but the fact is that we are taking a sensible approach to this, its not like we're starting six to eight year olds on hard liquor, not at all - that is only for the sixth form A-Level students.

We are going to wean them onto the booze gradualy starting with beer or cider and giving them a choice of brands in the hope that they will learn to appreciate the finer side of drinking."

Tony Blair, the Prime Minister is said to be fully supportive of the scheme and his son Euan is delighted saying earlier,

"Sssgreat. I'm going t-t-t-to be the best head boy [buuuurrrrppp] ever. I had the besssht day tooooday at schhooool. And you, you're my besssht mate in the wooorld. I bloody love you...zzzzzz"

John Prescott is said to have written the speech.

The measure is expected to be introduced to parliament this week.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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