Clarence House - (Ass Mess & ReUterus): Royal Protections Racket cops have slammed reports in the UK's daftass Daily Fascist tabloid rag claiming that Kate Middleton is to get the keys to Clarence House - the London home of the Pretender to the Throne and the two actors impersonating his sons William and Harry.
"The only people allowed a "Royal Pass" to Clarence House are members of the Puppet Monarchy, officially-vetted staff, bona-fide ad-hoc visitors, police protection officers and the occasional Mayfair crack dealer on official business for Charles, Camilla or the young Pretender's Pretenders," a senior top brass cop said today.
"There is no way some fly-by-night operator like Kate Middleton would ever be allowed to have so much as an official bus pass let alone a Clarence House residents' pass as far as we are concerned and anybody claiming otherwise must have swallowed half a tone of bullshit.
"Even if this silly young woman became officially engaged to the Pretender's elder offspring-lookalike, she still wouldn't ket any keys to the place because royal protocol doesn't work that way.
"When we see these dumb stories in the Fascist and its sister paper the Fascist on Sunday we often wonder just how brain0damaged their editors really must be ro print such a load of old bollox and spoon-feed it to their geriatric-brained readers.
"Last year they caused untol panic by claiming top notch sources had confirmed Charles and Camilla would be spending Christmases at Windsor Castle for the forseeable future.
"Well that didn't happen, and it neer will.
"Because as the descendants of Hitler, Stalin, Oswald Mosely and Lord haw-Haw they are forever banned from that royal residence unless in possession of specific written permission from her Majesty the Monarch.
"And considering they're about to be charged with the 9/11 atrocity and conspiracy in the 7/7 London bombings is, if I can put it quite bluntly, patent crap!"
Camilla is 69.