The U.K. was thrown into something of a tizzy today by the unexpected return of King Edward VIII from the grave. To make matters even more bothersome, His Late Majesty demanded to be reinstalled on the Throne as King.
In a press conference at Buckingham Palace Edward said "Now see here - I've come a long way and I'm in no mood to be trifled with. Many of you are astonished to see me alive again. I scarcely believe it myself. As to how it happened - well, who can say. Jesus rose from the dead after 3 days, I after 35 years - maybe it's one of those Harry Potter things.
"No, I'm not claiming to be Jesus! But He DID make me King in the first place, what? 'King by the grace of God', remember, or do you people now think that's all bollocks?
"You don't? Good. Now listen. The only reason I was forced to abdicate in the first place was because I wanted to marry a divorced woman. And that's not even a law! Look it up: I can marry anyone I please except a Catholic, and still be King. Now, who in this whole tawdry little soap opera was a Catholic? Nobody!
"Okay then - I'll admit I screwed up back in 1936. I let myself get properly pussywhipped, I did. I had to marry that arse-faced American bitch, when I was already shagging her left and right anyway? That's not what we Kings do. Rather we marry some properly bred, or should I say properly inbred Duchess of This or Princess of That, who will probably be a muleface, but no matter since we can get as much on the side as we want! When you're King, there's no end to the commoner twat into which you can stick the royal John Thomas! Just ask my grandfather Edward VII. You know whose GREAT-grandfather he probably was? Camilla's. No joke!
"Speaking of whom - now that the divorced Prince of Wales is married to the divorced Camilla and hasn't been sacked, then obviously that 'no divorce' rule isn't being enforced any more, is it? Well then, I WANT MY THRONE BACK!!!"
The resulting Constitutional crisis was the first major test for Prime Minister Brown, and he defused it masterfully. "I just told Edward VIII he can be King again just as soon as the current Queen dies. And he was content to wait. What I conveniently [heh, heh] 'forgot' to tell him is that we're going to abolish the monarchy long before then! Crikey, these royals are so gullible, aren't they?"