Chapel Royal -(Ass Mess): The August 31st memorial service for Diana, Princess of Wales is in danger of imploding after two hundred former shags, smack dealers, one night stands, male 'escorts' flings, personal 'masseurs' and assorted rent boys/comfort men were turned away by the Invitations Committe on the grounds that their presence would turn the event into a laughing stock.
Officials at Buckingham Palace have always said the memorial service is prone to disaster after discovering that the heroin-addicted former Princess of Wales was about as promiscuous as the average Essex girl and never knowingly went without multiple partners in any one week unless paid to stick to just one favored beau.
But with the memorial service just days away, panic has broken out as so many of her shagging day secrets threaten to come out of the woodwork and sell their stories, video-tapes, photographs and assorted adultery memorabilia to the highest bidders.
Ten years' whitewash has attempted to sanitise the sad old Hellfire Club slapper and erase all police files on her being an impostor: the daughter of George Bush Senior and Marcia Williams - subsequently Lady Falkender - private secretary to former UK Prime Monster Harold Wilson.
As for the purported princelets that claim to ber her sons, the truth lies buried along with their bodies under gardens at Kensington Palace following their shooting by Charles during a cocaine-induced seizure in 1985.
The two paid lookalikes who were inserted into the family on long-term doppelganger duties have now blossomed into accomplished blackmailers and thrive at UK taxpayers' expense promoting the myth of the Puppet Monarchy.
Camilla is 69.