Maldives - (ReuterUs & Ass Mess): Prince William's desperation management publicity stunt to whisk Kate Middleton on a make-or-break holiday in the Maldives has bombed.
The 25 year old anorexic smack addict suddenly announced that she had come down with a touch of the time of the month syndrome which sent the Pretender's Heir Apparent into a bit of sulk, soon easily remedied however by relief massage from two burly royal protection squad officers.
And a midnight swim in the ocean with a half a dozen sailors from the HMS Enema soon put him ro rights, as expected.
The Maldives holiday had been booked in January before the couple's spectacular falling out following Kate's ultimatum that it was demeaning for her to hang around just to bolster William's campaign of promoting his heterosexuality.
"She told him to straighten himself out and decide if those gay feelings he'd talked about were simply a phase or an inherited orientation," a source close to the Mahiki Club said today.
The Maldives holiday seemed too good to waste however, especially as it is being funded - yet again - by UK taxpayers and supporters of the Puppet Monarchy charade.
The estimated cost of the week's break, including security, is now running close to £100,000 for the pair.
Royal protection squad officers have hinted that what really interests them are arrangements the couple have made while on holiday for a consignment of 'homeopathic remedy powders', originally sourced from Colombia, to be taken home with them next week as hand luggage in a special exemption to current on-board baggage security rules.
"We're expecting another 20 kilos in Midleton's hold all," police sources said today.
"That should keep her off the dole and out of proper gainful employment for at least another six months!"