Police were called early today to the vicarage of the church of Donny in the Wold amid reports that the resident vicar, Father Seamus O'Flannigan, had sunk his teeth into the Bishop of Brighton's bottom.
Constable Higgins, Brighton Constabulary Special Vicar Handling Division, spoke of a ten-hour ordeal to release the vicar's jaws and free the luckless bishop.
"They are a determined breed, vicars," said Constable Higgins. "Once they clamp their jaws shut they are very difficult to remove. Very often we have to remove the vicar's head and prise open the jaws with a crowbar. This, of course, kills the vicar, and doesn't make the bishop's bottom any more appealing in the process. No, our advice to bishops everywhere is to not place your bared bottom anywhere near the resident vicar."
Good advice indeed, but will bishops take heed? The result of an impromptu poll suggests that seventy-eight percent of bishops regularly expose their bottoms to vicars and will continue to do so despite the risks involved.
"My vicar has a very placid nature," said one bishop we approached. "Besides, I always keep my nut crackers to hand as a precaution."