Following the hideous accident that happened recently to a man who engaged in the so-called sport of "tombstoning" (jumping off a pier with a gravestone with their name inscribed on it), the Government has passed safety laws to protect idiots about to embark on dangerous activities.
One sport, known as "sawing your leg off with a hacksaw", is believed to be particularly dangerous and can lead to a multitude of hazards, a health and safety expert told our reporter. "Participants have been known to lose a leg, suffer gangrene and even die of blood loss."
Another sport, called "swimming in the North Sea without an oxygen tank", can lead to drowning.
The most worrying activity is "having sex with an angry elephant", which can result in losing one's genitalia and being squashed to a pulp.
The new safety law, which comes into effect at midnight, means that anyone thinking of participating in one of these proscribed activities, must first register with the Health and Safety Executive, who will tattoo the words "Help me please, I am a complete pillock" to his forehead. Hopefully, when such a person puts himself in a position of danger, right-minded citizens will spring to his aid.
However, foolhardy young men say they will continue to disregard such warnings and put themselves in danger. A leading psychologist explained in scientific terms what causes young men to participate in such hazardous pursuits. "They're thick as pigshit", he said. "The country's better off without them."