Written by Dan Holmes
Print this
Topics: France, England

Wednesday, 3 March 2004

We all believed it - but now we know it's true. Essex is not part of England. It actually belongs to France.

For over a decade scientists at South Havering Institute of Technology - SHIT - have been investigating the geology, anthropology and biology of Essex. Using the latest techniques, and supported by a grant from the Centre du Recherche au Ancienne Problemes - CRAP - the scientists at the Institute have made some remarkable discoveries.

"There has always been this feeling about Essex - that it was somehow different from the rest of England", says research director Armand de Bumme. "Well, now we can prove it. All these short people in Romford - we've discovered that they're actually French Gypsies. Funny Essex place names? All French. Did you know that Colchester means "lump in your arse"? And as for personal names - well, Tracey is actually Norman French - Tract de Hy - meaning ‘Slag who dances round her campfire".

"And so it goes on. The geology of Essex is startling - all their rocks are foreign. French, in fact. How cool is that? A day in Southend is a day in St Tropez but without the passport shit. And if you stick a grape pip in the ground in Margaretting in February you'll get a bottle of Chateau Neuf du Pape in August.

"Frankly, we're baffled. Why should a hole in the ground like Essex be so favoured as to be abroad? OK, France is a bad draw - but what the hell, Essex is a good one?

Make Dan Holmes's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 plus 5?

1 14 19 6
35 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more