Tony Blair today denied that plans to change the name of the Royal Family to the Public Family Number One signalled a change in attitude to the monarchy.
"People speculate all the time on our attitude to the Queen and her hangers on. Fact is, we love her and everything she stands for. To us she means golden state coaches, crowns, big parades on warm summer days - these we love.
"But a head of state outside of parliament, an independent judiciary, armed forces loyal to the crown not the government - these we hate. They stand in the way of Britain being a modern democratic state. How can our citizens realise their full potential when they risk being shot at by the Duke of Edinburgh? How can we have true democracy until David Blunkett is the Boss of Everything?
"So we've decided that a change of name is overdue. The Royal Family will become Public Family Number One. The Queen will be Citizen Number Two - the title of Citizen Number One will be reserved for the Prime Minister of the Day - (Me) - and the rest of the bloodsuckers will be Citizens Number X. For X read any numbers you like - I don't care. Start at 50 million."
The Queen remained tight lipped about this plan. "My husband and I, Phil the Greek, don't give a stuff any more. This country's gone to the fucking dogs. We're buying a little place in Germany - home, you know - Berlin I think it's called - for our retirement. Charlie the tree lover can have the lot. Him and the Old Oak will make a lovely couple when the Muslims run the show. Cheers!"