In his 500 years of whingeing from north of the border Robin Cook has scarcely ever said anything of interest. His broadcasts have been ignored by generations of radio listeners, and the fact that he has never made it to television shows just how important he has been in the history of the world. But all that is over now.
For Robin has made his last programme. Now aged 503, he is at last succumbing to the effects of ageing. His red beard is grey, his pate shines in the dour light of a Scottish City, and his voice, always straining to speak English, is finally silenced by the effects of so many years of producing bullshit. Once the current archive of recordings of his famous "Moans from Caledonia" is played out - sometime in 2010 - there will be no new talks.
"This is a sad day for broadcasting in this country" said some bloke at the BBC who is standing in for the last DG - Dyke, Greg as it said on his BBC name tag - to theSpoof today. "Incomprehensible, self-satisfied, priggish - Robin Cook was all of these things and more. As a radio personality he was - well he was second to practically everyone. Especially the traffic staff on Radio 2. We shall not see his like again. Thank God."
Robin Cook was available for comment, but we couldn't understand a word he said.