Clarence House - (Rectum Press): A new sighting of Lord Lucan has been reported in Prince Charles's back passage - the last known confirmed sighting of the missing peer who vanished after losing the Hellfire Club's entire House of Mountbatten blind trust investment portfolio in a game of crapps at the Ritz Casino thirty three years ago.
Lucan and the Pretender to the Puppet Throne were always at it 'hammer and tongs' according to Buckingham Palace sources who originally hired the Irish peer as a companion for Charles during his days as a Royal Navy semen (sic).
Lucan disappeared in 1974 after the murder of his children's nanny who had been all set to testify against her employer shagging Charles and the entire battalion of the Household Cavalry before the money was squandered.
Plenty of daftass conspiracy stories about his disappearance have helped the Puppet Monarch continue the fantasy that he's still alive and living in obscurity somewhere in the murkiest depths of the Commonwealth.
"But as everybody in the know secretly knows," a very reliable Ministry of Defence sources said today, "Lucan is buried just around the corner from Buck House where the royalhorses daily drop their excrement after exercising in Hyde Park's Rotten Row nearby."