Clarence House - (Ass Mess): Prince William will have a Civil Partnership similar to Elton John's with David Furnish when he's 35 according to Clarence House sources today.
William, 25, has been officially advised that it will take at least a decade for British voters to accept an openly gay Prince of the Puppet Monarchy.
In the meantime he is being urged to keep the heterosexual rumor-mill chugging along by paying Kate Middleton to do his self-publicity stunts for him.
These are proving increasingly tricky as Middleton's lawyers offer professional advice that she is being probed by the Serious Fraud Squad about how she is funding her extravagant public lifestyle with no apparent discernible means of support.
At the end of August her Clarence House retainer fee is due to dry up as Charles's coffers run empty on instructions from the Diplomatic Protection Squad.
"She could always get a job as a go-go dancer I suppose," Palace sources suggested today.
"And there's always escort agency work. Pretty lucrative for those with a bit of form like Kate."
William in the meantime is running out of options for self re-invention as he faces having to leave the army after learning he can't 'serve' abroad with his battalion without the customary personal retinue of three butlers, four private secretaries, three footmen, two chauffeurs, five gardeners, two addiction counsellors, a personal crack dealer, twelve ex-police body guards and a pilates instructor.
Prince Harry is 21.