Following the revelations that some of those involved in the recent Glasgow Airport attacks had been working in UK hospitals there has been increasing calls for the Government to investigate the NHS which has been long since suspected of being a breeding ground for Islamic fundamentalism.
It is already an open secret that NHS is an acronym for Now Have Sharia. You give these people an Inshallah and they take a mile.
There are reports of halal saline drips being used on patients and tapes of sublimal pro-Muslim messages such as "Good morning sir you want your usual fags and paper?" or "Do you wish a drink with your curry sir?" being played while they sleep.
Many spouses and friends of ex-patients claim bizarre changes in the behaviour of their loved ones even after short term stays at the local infirmary.
One source who did not want to be named for fear of reprisals, Pat McGroin of 21A Maypole St, Bridlington wept as she told us; "My husband who had been an alcoholic chain-smoking layabout for years, suddenly stopped smoking and drinking and now works 16 hours a day seven days a week." and added tearfully; "He's even taking to washing more frequently and dressing smartly and has also stopped wearing mucky trackies it is all so shamefully anti-British".
Another ex patient however rebutted these allegations "It is all nonsense, I am a Christian and was in intensive care for a month and did not see any evidence whatsoever of pro-Muslim indoctrination Allah Be Praised."
When our reporter contacted the Government for their comments the Minister for Moral Outrage replied "If this is regarding the Miss Whiplash rumours I have no knowledge whatsoever of this woman or her dominatrix services and if you print anything in your sordid little rag I will not hesitate to sue... goodbye. Hmm yes Mistress my naughty botty is needing spanked again ..oh damn is that bloody phone line still connected..."