(Defecated News) - Broken families, lack of a male role model, social deprivation and drugs. For years, criminal sociologists have been trying to find out why some young black men turn to crime. Now, the answer appears to have been found - chocolate.
In a study funded by Crudbury's, it is alleged that the rise in crime can be shown scientifically to be linked with the removal of the cardboard tray from Bounty bars. The manufacturer removed the tray in an attempt to save packaging costs. Crudbury's claim that such irresponsibility has caused young black males to want to shoot each other.
Spokesman Felix C'nut said: "Since the removal of the cardboard tray some years ago, there has been an increase in breakage of Bounty bars soon after manufacture. Also, there is a greater chance for the second bar at the back to fall out and be spoiled. Such frustration can be built up to the point in which children kill each other."
The manufacturers of the tasty coconut treat have responded in a statement given to Mr. Patel's sweet shop: "We consider the rise in crime one due to communities, police and government policy. We cannot find any link between gun crime and Bounty bars."
Mr. C'nut will present his evidence to Gordon Brown this weekend. He is also expected to ask the PM to change his name to Mr. Dairy-Milk-is Brown.
Number 10 refused to comment.