WEMBLEY (Heewack News Network) -- The entire Manchester United football team has been quarantined following a massive herpes outbreak caused when an unnamed infected player kissed the Community Shield following the team's victory over Chelsea FC.
"Someone--and we're not naming any names, so don't ask--had a cold sore when they kissed the Community Shield, and now we've all got the cooties," said team captain Ryan Giggs, who scored the team's only goal.
The herpes outbreak followed an energetic Community Shield match here against defending EPL champions Chelsea. The teams traded first-half goals, with Florent Malouda answering the Giggs goal. Manchester United won the penalty shootout 3-0 with keeper Edwin van der Saar stopping all three Chelsea attempts.
But the celebration was marred by the traditional shield-kissing ceremony following the match. Players discovered following the ceremony that one of the players had a cold sore. In the locker room, the mouths of the players and coaches began erupting in open boils.
Public health officials immediately sealed off the locker room and placed the entire team and coaching staff into quarantine. They are not permitted to leave until health officials believe that they are no longer a danger to society.
"We're hoping that will do the trick," said Dr. Basil Roofing-Material, the team's physician. "We think everyone should be ready to go by the fourth week of the season."
Team officials denied reports in the Sun that three players, including Christiano Ronaldo, had been "humanely destroyed" as a precaution. "We have not put down any players, and even if we did, they would have come from our reserves," a team spokesman said.