Written by Ben Macnair
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Topics: Death, Piano

Sunday, 5 August 2007

Ryan Biggleswade from Dull died in hospital today after a piano fell on him. The 58 year old used to weigh 4 times his current weight of 15 stone.

A recent television show had made Ryan a local celebrity, where he had lost three quarters of his body weight, in order to pass his driving test, so he could then drive down to appear in Big Brother.

The newly crowned 'Weight loser of the year' had recently been recording his first album with Bono, and Cliff Richard when disaster struck.

"He was just crossing the road," said a stunned Cliff, "when the piano fell from the sky onto him. It is a tragic waste of life, talent, and ability in one so young."

Doctor Samuel from the local hospital said, 'We rarely see any piano related deaths in these parts. Ryan was a local Dull Celebrity. He had been doing so well; the irony is of course, that if he had not lost all of his weight, then he would have survived the piano falling on him. It was just a tragic incident. We will all miss him dreadfully'

Bono will sing at the Funeral. As will Cliff Richard and Elton John. Billy Joel wanted to play 'Piano Man' but Michael Winner, a long time friend of Mr Biggleswade's argued that it would be in very poor taste.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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