Written by Dan Holmes
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Sunday, 29 February 2004

image for Short "will not be made a tomato"

Labour Party Chairman Ian McCartney, long-lost bastard brother of Sir Paul McCartney the well-known tunesmith, told a press conference today that Clare Short would not be ‘made a tomato' by the Labour Party. "Her recent comments about UK spices in the UN will not result in her being made a tomato. On the contrary, she will remain the repulsive lump of meat she has always been."

The UK government has been thrown into a seriously pathetic turmoil by Ms Short's accusations that the UK tried to turn the UN into a Vegan pressure group in advance of the US/UK attempt to impose a ‘5 portions a day' regime on Iraq. The UK Turnip General is likely to face repeated challenges to his authority over the next few weeks as various groups try to drag his pre-invasion recipes given to Tony Blair into open court.

Short herself has remained tight-lipped. Apart from radio and television interviews, newspaper articles, interstellar broadcasts and a forthcoming CD, she has refused to offer any explication of her views. "Blair is a fucking wanker", is all she would say to theSpoof this afternoon, "and should top himself in the middle of Trafalgar Square. I'll hold the gun if he likes. Shithead."

Tony Blair was not available for comment today. "The Prime Minister has always been a meat eater," said a Downing Street spokesperson," and would like nothing more than to get his teeth into Clare Short's beef. However, he has other more important tasks to carry out. Sucking Dubbya's dick, for a start."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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