Following the government's decision to send a further 28,000 troops to Darfur in the Sudan, the senior officer of the British Army is forced to consider conscription.
Field Marshal, Sir Peregrine Mainwaring-Pike, KFC, DSO, said: "with all our troops committed to Afghanistan and Iraq, and with the TA on overtime, we are left with just 2 battalions at home - one, from the Grenadier Guards who patrol Buckingham Palace and the other, a battalion of Beefeaters to look after the crown jewels and feed the birds at the Tower of London."
"Now we have just withdrawn our last presence in Northern Ireland, that has increased our numbers by 350 - phew, that was lucky! That leaves just 27,650 to find. The situation is becoming so dire that we are considering allowing Prince Harry to actually see some action at last! We may bring in a group of Chelsea Pensioners, but only if they wish to volunteer."
An anonymous government spokesperson said that "Gorgon Brown will consider bringing in conscription to all uniformed bodies, starting with Traffic Wardens, Security Guards, Army Cadets, Air Cadets and even Boy Scouts. Vicars and Muslim Clergy will also be considered"
The only two remaining cast members of Dad's Army; Bill Pertwee who played Hodges, the Air Raid Warden and Clive Dunn; who played Corporal Jones and were offering their services.
Hodges bemoaned the fact that because of the Smoking Ban he was no longer able to shout "PUT THAT BLOODY LIGHT OUT!" at anyone, and was left with feelings of inadequacy and unimportance (impotence?)
Corporal Jones was heard saying "Don't panic! Don't panic! I have already fought in the Sudan against the Fuzzy Wuzzies and they didn't like it up 'em then, so I would like to go again" as he polished his bayonet.