Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 4 August 2007

image for Post-Mortem Examination Due On Failed Glasgow Airport Bomber
Whoops! Careful with that cocoa, mate!

A post-mortem examination on the body of a man suspected of being involved in the terror attack on Glasgow airport, is due to be carried out later today.

Kafeel Ahmed, 27, from Bangalore, India, died at Glasgow Royal Infirmary on Thursday evening after drinking a cup of bedtime cocoa.

Mr Ahmed, a committed terrorist, was initially thought to have died from the 90% burns suffered when he set himself ablaze in order to get to the front of the baggage check-in queue for his Air India flight to Mumbai on 30th June.

Now though, doubts have been raised, after a senior staff nurse at the GRI found lumps in the dregs of the man's cocoa. Staff at the hospital say Mr Ahmed's death bears a striking resemblance to that of murdered ex-Soviet spy Alexander Litvinenko, the Sir Paul McCartney lookalike.

Comrade Litvinenko, Mr Ahmed and Sir McCartney are connected through their love of the suppertime favourite, and, although the latter is not yet dead, he recently released a morbid album about death entitled I'm Almost Through, Wach.

If, after the post-mortem, it transpires that Mr Ahmed died of nothing more than being "frazzled to a crisp", he will be taken away and thrown onto the local Glasgow Council rubbish tip, where he will doubtless be torn apart and devoured by scavenging animals and birds.

Labour minister for Muslim Affairs in Scotland, Imran McLaden MP, said:

"It's probably not what he would have wanted, bearing in mind the ridiculous promises about virgins and all that shite, but, under the extremely difficult circumstances, it's the best we can muster."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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