Balmoral Castle, Blackader - (Ass Mess): There will be no royal invitation for Kate Middleton to join the Puppet Monarchy at the Highlands retreat of Balmoral Castle this year after hundreds of nude photos of her shagging the entire Blues & Royals regiment were found in a skip outside Buckingham Palace last weeknd.
Kate has clearly soiled her copy book if not her panties with the foolish prank which sources close to the Mahiki Club's official coke dealer say was a knee-jerk reaction to get some more free publicity in the UK tabloids after getting fired from her part-time job at the Jigsaw rag trade outlet.
The traditional annual Scottish break is a blood-fest of grouse-shooting, pheasant-potting and flouncing around in pleated tartan skirts regardless of which direction the wind is blowing.
Kate is said to be desolate at being snubbed for this most idiotic of the Puppet Monarchy attempts to impersonate their alleged Scottish roots which died off with the Luftwaffe's bombing of Buckingham Palace in September 1940 when King George VI, his wife Queen Elizabeth, and eldest daughter Princess Elizabeth all died.
Of course, Kate may yet play her secret trump card and lobby Prime Monster Gorgon Brown to allow her to accompany him and his family for their traditional Bank Holiday break at the Castle where Old Fatty Mountbatten regularly treats the incumbent resident of No 10 Downing Street to a traditional fit of the sulks.
"Kate is desperate to get back in with these would-be in-laws from hell," a source close to the Blues & Royals Regiment admitted today.
"She might just be able to blag her way in via the back door, so to speak, if Gordon Brown appoints her his official Puppet Monarchy Consultant.
"But they would probably just set the bloodhounds and mastiffs on the daftass creature if she tried to sneak in, so we don't expect she'll try it on."