Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 31 July 2007

image for Big Brother Chanelle Blamed For Outbreak Of Gastroentiritis
Chanelle woz 'ere

Chanelle Hayes, the Big Brother housemate who finally left the show yesterday, has been blamed for an epidemic of gastroentiritis which swept the country after the programme was aired last night.

Her 'sloping-off', as yet unseen by the viewers, will be shown tonight, but last night's pathetic sympathy-seeking performance was enough to fill hospital A&E rooms all over the country, as viewers were hit by headaches, gut-wrenching stomach cramps and chronic diarrhoea.

Chanelle, the Wakefield Whinger, has been backwards and forwards to the BB Diary Room over the last week as her stormy on-off relationship with failed pop star Ziggy crumbled beneath the eider down.

Even after blackbird Charley Uchea was evicted last Friday, Chanelle has pushed out her bottom lip and pouted for all she is worth, in an attempt to lure Ziggy back into her arms.

The public, meanwhile, has reeled from the onslaught, and last night the effects became clear. More than 200,000 people who had viewed the show, checked in to their local hospitals saying that they could "take no more" of the childish petulance.

Doctors at several hospitals have prescribed hot drinks and lots of rest. One at Bowelrupture Hospital in London, Dr Albert Gubbins, said:

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, TURN THAT SHIT OFF THE TELLY!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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