Ahead of his first meeting (as Prime Minister) with US President G W Bush, Gordon Brown has revealed the secret tactics he will employ in order to try and claw back some dignity and self respect for Britain: he will attempt to assert himself during their extensive talks by employing Jedi mind control techniques!
A spokesperson for Mr Brown revealed to us yesterday: "Gordon is determined to at least give the impression that he is a strong leader. Unfortunately, when it comes to the USA, we have absolutely no bargaining power or leverage, so if the president actually calls his bluff on anything he's pretty well fucked! But, we're hoping that with these new techniques he can really pull the job off!"
According to recent reports "He's even making Alastair Darling call him 'master' now, and threatening to have people frozen in carbonite! - I'm supposed to go and find him a Rancor? to Battle!"
A White House spokesperson yesterday revealed how President Bush likes to prepare for such meetings: "George doesn't like to jump straight into heavy negotiations. He feels a bit intimidated by guests, especially if they're well educated. He likes to prepare himself mentally before hand. I remember he watched an entire season of Sesame Street before Blair's first visit."
As Alastair Campbell recently stated in his diaries: "Tony used to have a few techniques for calming George down if he ever got angry during crisis talks: tickling his feet, blowing raspberries on his stomach and letting him change the gears of his car were usually quite effective. He always gets a bit grouchy in the afternoon, especially if he hasn't had his nap."