Written by Dan Holmes
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Wednesday, 25 February 2004

image for Blunkett outlines terror options
Comrade Blunkett addressing MPs in the Commons

Chairman of the Committee for Internal Affairs David Blunkett has outlined the options for terrorism in the UK.

Comrade Blunkett, addressing MPs in the Commons said: "As I see it we have very few options. Let me take them in order. One, we can carry on as we are. Two, we can let outside organisations create terror in the UK. Three, we can set up government agencies to create terror ourselves."

"Now I know all you lily-livered wankers in this place would really like things to continue as they are. Though there are some on the benches opposite who would like to let external terrorists carry out our dirty work. But the terrorism I have in mind really needs a completely new kind of agency, a sort of People's Commissariat for Internal Affairs, created from scratch and - here's the juice - loyal only to me."

"The fact is that there are 50 million potential traitors in this country, every one of them masquerading as a British Citizen. Don't be fooled. That little old lady who needs help crossing the street could be carrying explosives up her twat. The city gent offering you his seat on the underground could be wearing an exploding bowler hat. The child crying in the park as its balloon disappears into the sky could be wired to a landmine. There is nowhere safe, nobody trustworthy, in this war-torn frontier land of ours."

"And so for that reason and that reason alone I am setting up the secret police. No-one will be immune from its intent to terrorise - old lady, city gent, child in the park. All potentially guilty and thus perfect terror victims unless I say otherwise. Which ain't gonna happen. So eat dirt, punks. And see you in the killing fields."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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