Prince Charles and Princess Anne are visiting flood-hit Gloucestershire later to offer their support to victims.
The Royal Yacht will sail up the Avon, and through the flooded areas, where the Prince will view the damage through powerful binoculars. Charles, known for his keen sailing prowess, will then motor around on a jet ski at very high speed, to see if he can create a large enough bow wave for local body boarders.
Princess Anne will have her butler toss bottled water at people stranded in houses.
Ethel Scrounge, after being stranded in her second-floor flat for six days without water, was keen to see the Royals. "I hope they bring some of that lovely Malvern Water. This Tesco's own stuff is alright, but it doesn't flush the loo properly. Leaves a ring, you see."
Local builder, known only as "Bob" was not so happy. "All very well them come floating up here on their fancy yacht an' all, but it would be better if they mucked in and laid a few floors. That's what we need, carpet and laminate fitters, not friggin' gawking royals."