Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Flooding, Asylum

Friday, 27 July 2007

image for Receding flood waters in Gloucester reveal 1,000 asylum seekers
Imaginitive survival technique

As the waters from last week's floods recede, local people are making unusual discoveries, such as cars. Unemployed Simon Cam of Gloucester told us "God be praised, I found my brand new Mercedes SLK under the water. Because it's all wet, I'm going to sell it as soon as possible."

More startling discoveries have been made. In the cellar of one public house, police rescued 1,000 failed asylum seekers. The local MP said "These poor tykes have had no food and drink for the last week, apart from beer and packets of crisps. The only distraction they had from their awful situation was a wet darts board and to play with their guns and knives."

The survivors explained how they had survived. One man said that when the waters rose above his head, he holed out a wooden ruler with his machete and used it as a straw to breathe through, a technique he had learned while camping in Pakistan.

The Government has responded swiftly, promising £5 million in aid to re-house these survivors, educate their children and give all of them free laptops and mobile phones. "This is small comfort after what they have been through", said one source. "You can rest assured that all of them will have their cases re-looked at. In fact, we've drafted David Blunkett in to give them all special dispensation to remain in the country forever."

The Government has also reassured local residents that a further £1 million has been set aside for them "just as soon as we've sorted out these poor asylum seekers."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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