Quietly announced at the back door of No.10 Downing Street at 0600 this morning, the State Pension Age has been raised to 89, in an effort to head off Britain's pension crisis.
In a prepared statement, a Downing Street spokesman announced, "Unfortunately, Britain can no longer afford the burgeoning problem of paying pensions to the elderly. It has therefore been decided that the state retirement age will move with immediate effect to 89. Those people who have had their retirement parties this week, should go back to work as normal on Monday. Employers laying potential retirees off will be subject to a National Insurance Inspection, to ensure that their books are in order.
The age for which bus passes will be issued is also to be moved to 106, in order to align this country with Europe, who intend to bring forward similar legislation in the near future.
The Government would like to say that this is not a "work until you drop" message, but an opportunity for those coming to retirement to help this Country get back on its feet."
Bill Baggins, who was due to retire next week, was disgusted at the Government move. "Well, I've done my time, and got to 55, and they've pulled the rug from under me. Still, I'll look forward to another 34 years on the fire engine."
The Government has not said how it was going enforce productivity targets for fire and police men and women turning out to emergency incidents whilst in their 80s.
A spokesman for the Police Officer's Federation said, "Frankly, it's a bit much having octogenarians chasing muggers around the streets of London. We'll have training, of course, and hip replacements, but we expect some officers may slow down a bit when they get past age 75."
The Minister with portfolio for pensions, Sir Init Forthemoney, was not available for comment today, as he was having a double knee replacement in a private hospital.
His aide reported, "Sir Init agrees with the Government move, and welcomes the opportunity for older workers to share their experience with the up-and-coming youth. Moving the retirement age means that some 26,000 lives could be saved, and a probable tax cut for millions of workers, earning above average wages. It will mean work for all, and a reduced carbon footprint for thousands of children."