Written by mike_slade
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Topics: Public, Transport

Tuesday, 24 February 2004

image for Buses To Run On Time

Transport Minister, Tony McNulty has today announced radical new targets for all forms of public transport to run on time.

The shock new announcement had local governments nation-wide baffled. They immediately branded any move to improve the punctuality of their transport services as "irresponsible and nonsensical."

Mr McNulty has insisted that, "By the year 2035 New Labour will ensure that MOST buses and trains will run on time"

Bus companies will be mainly affected by this policy and union bosses are already threatening "huge repercussions" if this plan is put into action. Gerald Dempsey, union rep for a midlands bus company stated "If our drivers are forced into this, they will no longer be able to stop as they pass each other on the roads to discuss what the wife has put into the sandwiches. This would cause major problems because instead of swapping their lunches with other drivers, they will have to speak to their wives to tell them they don't like tuna, or even mustard in some cases." He added, "we would be putting the public at risk by putting drivers on the road that are not fully concentrated because they know they will have to go home and speak with the wife"
Mr Dempsey cannot see what the fuss is about. He explains, "currently we run 90% of our services on timeā€¦. Give or take 10 minutes, and the other 10% are so late they appear to be early."
Rail bosses were less chatty and issued this simple statement - "If Mr McNulty can assemble the brightest scientific minds and stabilise the climate so that leaves will never fall off the trees and onto the tracks, then we will run on time"

In the face of such opposition the government may be well advised to abort this vote winning policy in favour of installing speed cameras in bus lanes. Just in case.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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