In an effort to destroy Britain's smoking ban, TITS (Tobacco Is The Shit) have said they they will have to resort to terror tactics in the future.
A major incident was reported today in the North of England, when a cigarette was left burning inside a public house in Burnley, Lancs. A survivor from the carnage, who did not wished to be named, said, "It was horrible. One minute, we were having a quiet pint, and the next, the room was full of tobacco fumes. People were rolling around on the floor, clutching their throats and choking. It was awful. One man said afterwards that he'll have to throw all his clothes away, as he was tainted. No-one should have to put up with that."
The pub was evacuated, and the emergency services, wearing bio-hazard gear, put the cigarette out and cleared the area of deadly ETS using large fans.
The perpetrators of the outrage have not been found, and police are busy doing house-to-house checks, looking for nicotine stains on fingers.
A TITS spokesman said that it was imperative to get the message across that they would not be bullied into stopping smoking, and that they would consume tobacco at every opportunity. "We have gone down the legal route, and are fighting the ban through the Courts, but some of our members are a little hot-headed and want action. So, we have to comply with their wishes, as we are a democratic organisation. Further incidents can't be ruled out."
Another incident was prevented in London yesterday when four members of TITS were arrested with six packets of super-strength Camels each. "The police swooped immediately they stepped onto a railway platform, intent on smoking," said an observer, "They were dragged to the black maria screaming their innocence, but there was no doubt they would have lit up, given the chance."
A police spokesman later told us, "A number of arrests were made, and a significant quantity of Camel cigarettes were confiscated, and destroyed using a controlled explosion. Some hand-rolling tobacco was found, but as this was relatively mild, we were able to dispose of this safely. Had these people started smoking on the platform, hundreds of people could have been affected, and the emergency services did not have enough patches to hand out to ex-smokers in the meantime. We were grateful to the informant who tipped us off from the newsagent's, where the Camels were first sold."
In a further incident, Customs at Dover today stopped a van load of Benson & Hedges destined for a "smoke-in" which was to take place later this week.