Gloucestershire - (Diabolical Mess): Amid scenes of unprecedented chaos in flood-stricken Gloucestershire, a mass evacuation of 500,000 residents is under way after rapidly diminishing drinking water supplies became contaminated with sewage seeping from collapsed drains at Highgrove House, the Pretender to the Throne's country mansion.
But comforting words from Camilla, the Pretender's official fag-hag, have stimulated locals into believing that the worst it may be over having heard her advice to drink champagne after supplies of bottled Evian, Highland Spring and Malvern ran out.
Some locals, however, have blamed Charles for the dire mess they are facing after Department of the Environment inspectors confirmed that of the 200 dinner guests at Camilla's 60th birthday bash on Saturday night, some 199 came down with a case of gippy tummy causing Highgrove's antiquated drainage system to heave under the weight of toxic effluent.
The lucky chap who evaded coming down with the bug apparently got locked accidentally in a broom cupboard and fortunately missed the evening's feasting. Others were not so lucky however.
"Unfortunately the septic tank in Highgrove's grounds became full to capacity on Saturday night as party guests fell like flies soon after consuming the Souffle Marie Antoinette, a speciality commissioned dish for the occasion of the duchess's 60th, by London celebrity chef Paddy Listeria," an Environment Department official said today.
"Pretty soon after that the septic tank collapsed and the River Severn then overflowed into nearby farmland, quickly absorbing the toxic waste before diffusing it into the flooded areas of the three counties of Gloucestershire, Warwickshire and Oxon."
Today Highgrove is under six feet of water along with all neighboring properties and the Pretender, his consort, their flunkies and pets having been airlifted to a place of safety somewhere in Scotland.
The Met forecast promises plenty more of the same in the foreseeable future.