A plan by Tony Blair to allow head teachers to carry out random drug tests has sparked a worried response from teaching unions.
Says Eamonn Cocaine, General secretary of NASUWT: "The principle and practice require careful consideration. If Tosser Blair really means to allow random stop and search there will be serious repercussions. We need to have discussions with the government at the earliest opportunity."
The prospect of teachers facing drug tests has filled schools staffrooms up and down the country with dread. One anonymous teacher told theSpoof: "This really is not on. Nearly half my earnings come from dealing in the playground. How could I make ends meet as a geography teacher without my regular customers? I suppose I could hang around outside the school gates - but that would mean mixing with the kids from the local Primary School, and they're hard bastards, I can tell you. They'd win any drug war that broke out here."
And pupils are no happier. "Random searches? Don't be fucking stupid'" said a sixth-former at a London Comprehensive. "The headmaster here wouldn't recognise any of the drugs we do if he'd been on a fucking training course. If Prime Minister Blair wants us to stop doing drugs, he'll have to come up with a better plan than that. Free alcohol would fucking do it for me."