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Sunday, 22 July 2007

image for Conservative Leader Takes Hug-A-Hoodie "A Step Too Far"
An unimpressed Political analyist, Pierce Pearson, yesterday

Deranged Conservative leader David Cameroon is said to be taking his latest attempt to appeal to the working classes a step to far after staggering into the Conservative Party Conference swigging a bottle of White Lightning, smoking a roll up "cigarette" and making offensive claims about how he believes the working classes live.

Mr. Cameroon, 41, shocked the Conservative audience who mistook him for a passing vagrant and announced that this was part of the Party's New image and how it was time to get in touch with the "real people" of Great Britain.

The Tory leader, who was sporting a grubby counterfeit "Bench" hooded top and several days of facial stubble said that: "It is the working class vote which eludes us and this is why we have been completely unelectable for 10 years." He went on to say: "To win the hearts and minds of the working classes, then the working classes need to relate to us."

The scruffy politician addressing the conference in Bournemouth as "Comrades" - A Socialist address, confessed that he had been practising living like a working class man for the past 6 weeks and thoroughly enjoyed it.

"I was a little bit pissed off about having to sign on the Dole every week, and the money wasn't very good, but I got a good cash-in-hand job on a building site. The work was hard and the health and safety act didn't apply but I met some good decent working class folk who took me out to the pub every night.

"It was an excellent learning experience, in those 6 weeks, I met hundreds of working class people who taught me valuable skills. I was shown how to recycle cigarettes, and was taken on a tour of the best alleyways to find the Juiciest Dog-ends which I have since added to the "Go Green" agenda.

"I learned which solvents are safer than others to sniff and where to get them. I learned how to dodge speed cameras, and I also picked up a quirky little tradition of the millions of British working classes. I don't know why, but they like to cover their bottles of White Lightning with carrier bags when drinking from them. I always do this now when I'm drinking with the guys in the town centre.

"I've also learned how to slash my clothing budget by 98% by buying counterfeit goods from Cattle markets."

The conservative leader summed up his comments with the slogan: "Don't just Hug a Hoodie Comrades - Be one!"

Political analysts who had been unclear about what Mr Cameroon stood for in the past were now completely bewildered. Piers Pearson of the Mail on Sunday, said "This beggars belief, I have never in my 63 year history of political analysis ever come across any politician who was neither Left, Right or Center, and I most certainly have never come across such an offensive narrow mined imbecile."

Officials at Conservative HQ refused to confirm or deny whether Mr Cameroon had a future in the Conservative party, or will be sacked after his deranged rant.

This comes as a double blow to Conservatives who are currently under investigation after allegations of "Fixing" In a game of Bingo at the Conference on Thursday. It is alleged that the Tory bingo caller had stashed a few extra balls up his sleeve so that his "Fancywoman" could win the Jackpot of a tin of Peak Freans de-luxe buscuits.

Sarah Teather of The Liberal Democrats called for Cameroon to be removed as leader and claimed that he was taking "Hug a Hoodie a step to far. Not all working class people are like that in fact some are almost human." She said.

After millions of appalled viewers jammed the BBC switchboards with complaints, the Conference was taken off air and a repeat of "Some mothers do 'av 'em" was shown in its place.

Mr Cameroon was escorted out of the conference intoxicated and shouting "Workers of the world unite". Police were called to the event and Mr Cameroon was arrested and taken into custody regarding another matter.

The Conservative leader had a warrant out for his arrest in relation to a speeding offence committed last week in his Oxford constituency. He was caught cycling 90 miles an hour and failing to comply with a traffic signal. When stopped by police, Mr Cameroon is said to have given the Police officer an obscene hand gesture and rode off.

The rest conference has been suspended pending a full investigation into Cameroons conduct. It is said that he will have to face a Commons select committee over the incident next week.

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