The flooding currently affecting many parts of the British Isles is the work of terrorists, a leading meteorological expert has told police.
Dr Stanley Gossip, has told detectives at Scotland Yard that several "unusual" adverse weather systems are responsible for the current deluge of rain, and that he "would not be surprised" if they were the work of Islamic funded mentalists.
Dr Gossip, who up until 1998, was the personal Wellington boot maker of Her Majesty the Queen, was recently dismissed from his post at the Royal Meteorology Society for daring to suggest that Kip O'Timble, the ex-boyfriend of the ITV weather presenter Sian Lloyd, was a Nazi.
He has claimed that "cloudmaking technology" now exists, and that it would be relatively simple for terrorist groups to acquire it.
"They're very resourceful, these terrorists", he said, "and it wouldn't take more than three or four cloud machines to generate enough clouds to rain all over the British Isles for weeks."
Torrential rain and its consequences, says Dr Gossip, are not emergencies that are planned for particularly well by this government. It would, therefore, be easy for outraged terrorist cells to infiltrate our society in the subsequent traffic jams and airport snarl-ups caused by the rain.
As Britain ground to a halt this weekend, police were forced to consider Dr Gossip's stark warnings, and placed extra policemen in waders on every street corner in England, just to be safe.