Whitehall, London SW1 - (Ass Mess): The Government has issued a formal statement clarifying the position regarding which member of Cabinet has yet to try smoking a spliff following today's revelations tha Home Secretary Jackie Smith smoked like a trooper while studying at University.
Cabinet members's responses about their own recreational useage were summed up with the a few terse words issued from each respondent:
Gordon Brown: "I have never used drugs"
Translation: "Never been caught so f**k off"
Jack Straw: "Never felt the need"
Translation: "Publish those photos and I'll smash yer face in"
Alistair Darling: "It's a wicked lie!"
Translation: "Witneses were paid off a long time ago"
Ruth Kelly: "It was just a foolish teenage phase long time ago"
Translation: "Repeat that coke story and I'll have your guts for garters"
Hilary Benn: "Absolutely no comment"
Translation: "F***ing daftass question. I'm admitting nothing"
Hazel Blears: "Like, cool it with the constant interrogation man"
Translation: "What's the mobile number of that new dealer you mentioned?"
Ed Milipede: "Certainly not. Who do you think I am?"
Translation: "Smash yer effing face in if yer try it on me in public again"
David Milipede: "Ditto what my brother said"
Translation: "Stoopid Tory twat"
Peter Hain: "Preposterous suggestion."
Translation: "Where did I hide those Rizlas?"
Rumors that the Home Office is planing re-classifying cannabis from Class C back to Class B of the Dangerous and Illegal Drugs Act have now been discredited amid reports that a special outdoor House of Commons Smokers Bar is being refurbished just in time for the drug's total removal from the list of official banned toxic substances.