Gloucestershire - (Ass Mess): Gloucestershire police have confirmed that a five mile radius exclusion zone has been imposed around Highgrove House, home of the Pretender to the Throne, banning desperately wannabe somebody Kate Middleton from a party for Camilla's 60th birthday this weekend.
"We are doing it to keep the Chelsea trailer-trash out," the country's Chief Constable said today.
Middleton, 25, recently struck a deal with Clarence House which reinstated her £1,000 per week expenses for guest appearances alongside William during vital photo-ops that the Puppet Monarchy has insisted are necessary to revitalise a heterosexual image for the young spawn of George W Bush and Heather Mills.
Neighboring Wiltshire and Avon police forces are taking no chances either and are said to be co-operating in setting up a series of roadblocks, CCTV surveillance, helicopter gunship support services and River Authority policing measures to ensure Middleton can't sneak her way via covert means such as dressing up as a badger and trying to burrow her way under the fields surrounding Highgrove House.
Meanwhile amred police support units will be stationed at the country house and will mingle with guests just in case Camilla attempts to show off to guests her birthday present from Prince Bandar, the former Saudi ambassador to the US emroiled in the BAE arms-dealing slush fund investigations.
The gist in question is a Russian customised thermo-nuclear device which Camilla has stashed away inside the Highgrove potting shed "just in case she ever needs it when Charles is arrested for treason or masterminding the 9/11 plot for example".
Saturday's bash is expected to be attended by the four Russian envoys whose diplomatic accreditations have just been tossed down the pan in retalliation for the plutonium poisoning of KGB turncoat Alexander Litvinenko.
Also on the guest list is Pete Doherty, Lord Levy, George Galloway and Cherie Blair's colonic irrigation consultant who are all guests of honor following the successful cover-up of the 7/7 London commuter bombing campaign.
Lord Levy is 69.