Judges have said that in the first case of its kind in the entire history of the legal system in England, a man appeared before Hull Crown Court yesterday charged with murdering himself.
Harry Kari, an unemployed drug dealer of Bransholme, remained motionless in the dock as the charge was read out, and did not speak throughout the entire three-hour hearing.
A witness for the prosecution told how Kari "put a gun to his own head and blasted his brains out", but could not explain how the weapon used in the "murder" was later found in the witness' own garage.
PC Ben Copper of Humberside Police, said he had been passing by Mr Kari's house, not with drugs, and had seen the deceased defendant through a window, counting out "vast sums of cash". When he "knocked" at the door, he said, Mr Kari answered it and, seeing the policeman, shot himself. The cash had since mysteriously disappeared.
Judge Carol Carridge, presiding, said that Mr Kari and his ilk were always murdering themselves due to the stressful nature of their work, and thanked PC Copper for bringing the case to a swift conclusion. She sentenced Mr Kari to an eternity underground.
"It's just a shame we couldn't find all that lovely lolly" said Miss Carridge, winking at PC Copper.