Written by R J Adams
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Wednesday, 18 July 2007

The Big Brother house was today still reeling from the discovery that Clifford Jones (30), a writer and university lecturer from Greater Manchester, is able to display a number of unique talents which have stunned his fellow contestants.

The incident happened in the early hours of Friday morning after an evening of enjoying champagne, jelly and ice cream - a reward for passing their 'Walking and talking at the same time' task.

At approximately 12.30am, during a heated argument between intoxicated 'wannabe' glamour model Stacy and this years camp bloke Trev - over which football player has the best haircut, a clearly sober Mr Jones shocked his fellow housemates by displaying not only compromise and understanding, but also the ability to grasp other concepts such as reason, wit and the capacity for abstract thought.

Jones was immediately summoned to the diary room to explain his actions and warned that there would be 'serious consequences'. He then apologised to his shell-shocked fellow housemates.

Channel 4 has yet to comment. However, insiders suggest that heads will role over what is increasingly being seen as an oversight of epic proportions.

This is not the first time the show has caused controversy: During last years Celebrity Big Brother young 'ironic comedian' Ricky Racist shocked housemates and viewers alike by displaying a basic understanding of English, Maths and Science.

The producers of Big Brother, issued the following statement this morning: "We would like to apologise for any offence or undue stress caused by last nights episode of Big Brother. We realise that there is no place for the behaviour or opinions expressed by Mr Jones on modern television, or indeed society.

"We are committed to providing the kind of television our viewers have come to expect, and indeed demand. And we promise to eradicate this kind of informed and rational behaviour wherever we find it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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