Conservative party leader David Cameroon has hit out at the Labour party for being a bunch of "old farts, farting out dated policies". Mr Cameroon recently attacked the Labour party at the dispatch box for being the "Government of the living dead".
The Tory leader today revealed some of the radical innovative plans that he and Margaret Thatcher have been hatching in order to win the next General Election.
"Labour are spent. They are old farts, farting out dated policies. They are warmongering, eco deadly, NHS neglecting thieves. All they do is Spin and talk bollocks! Conservatives are Giving, Loving, fresh and dynamic. With fresh young faces like Frances Maud, Michael Howard and the up and coming William Hague we can put the Great back into Britain."
Mr Cameroon who is nursing a broken foot after slipping over in his Home Made "Baked bean Eco friendly Jacuzzi" which runs solely on human gas, went on to say how he felt that the youth of Britain were being ignored by New Labour. "Yah, umm ya know, young people rock Daddio and
they don't want old squares dictating boring square things to them, yeah whatever..They want someone like me, who is hip and funkadelic ya know whatever.."
Mr Cameroon, an ex pupil of Eton and Corpus Christie college, Oxford, then went on to talk about how tough his working class childhood was and how his scrape with drugs could be used to educate young people on violent estates. "Umm yeah, life was hard on the streets ya know,
I was so stressed one day when daddy came home with pain etched on his face, we knew he had news and we knew it was bad."
David took a pause and gazed out of the window in to the distance. It was obvious what he was about to say was bringing back painful memories. He took a deep breath and explained, "Daddy said that our monthly Skiing holiday to Cloisters had to be cancelled due to his work commitments, and to cut a long story short I lost my mind. I went out and bought some Crack Cocaine. I didn't have a Crack pipe so I stole Daddy's. I was hoping he wouldn't notice, but it was his favourite Sherlock Holmes one. Anyway, I only took one puff but I didn't inhale, never the less I was sent to the Priory clinic for 6 weeks and promised never to do it again."
Mr C blames New Labour for drug abuse amongst the young but he goes on that "Things can only get better" and is due to hold a meeting with fellow Shadow Cabinet (AKA Shabinet) members to discuss the revamp of the Conservatives.
Although "Davo C", as he likes to be known, is keeping tight lipped about the plans.The Westminster rumour machine speculates that they are going to rename the Party "fresh Tory" and are going full steam ahead for the Young vote by using Jason Donovan's 1989 hit "Nothing
can divide us" for their next Election Campaign. However, the rumour machine alleges that Jonathan Aitken of Stock Aitken and Waterman will not allow the Conservatives to use the original version, so a Karaoke version will be used in its place.
The Conservatives annual conference will begin tomorrow in Bournemouth. The Compare for the week will be the late Rt Hon Stephen Milligan MP who died in 1994 after an accident involving a pair of suspenders and a satsuma. The Conference will include a Tombola, Bingo and
light refreshments. Fifty pence entry for Conservative Party members.