Clarence House, London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The on-off saga of Prince William's heterosexual lovelife took another twist this weekend with reports that Kate Middleton is getting over £1,000 per week from Clarence House baksheesh accounts in exchange for reviving the impression of dating the 25 year old Pretender to the Throne's alleged son.
The cash handouts are secured from an offshore trust into which ex Saudi ambassador to the US Prince Bandar has regularly made payments to tide Charles over during times of foolishness, extravangance and depravity.
This weekend a royal flunkley was spotted making the weekly cash withdrawal at the local Riggs Bank branch at which the dosh is kept on deposit.
A morotbike courier was then despatched to Middleton's Chelsea flat where a package was signed for.
Middleton's job as an assistant merchandiser at clothing retailer Jigsaw went down the pan last month after the company began a huge damage limitation exercise designed to avoid bankruptcy following dismal recent sales figures.
This led to much speculation of where she was getting her £££s given that she has no trust fund and so far has not yet signed on the dole.
Some sources have said that the weekly handout is pure hush money. But given the amount of effort Middleton has recently made to put on an Oscar-winnning performance suggesting she has revived secret trysting with the gormless, balding, hook-nosed bastard son of George W Bush and Heather Mills, the money may be a different sort of arrangement meant to tide William over until the next hapless bimbo.
Meanwhile at Bovington Barracks tbe daftass William has told drinking pals that 'Kate's a good sort who is readily persuaded to ham it up a bit to get a chap back on his feet again'.
But his camp mates are saying nothing about what really goes on when the lights are out.