Written by Noshing Mink
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Saturday, 14 July 2007

image for BBC apologises to Queen for "Vampire" film slur
Beauty, grace and dignity - words unknown to the BBC

Fat cat bosses at the BBC interrupted a lunch of caviar and champagne at the Ritz to make a mealy-mouthed apology to Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth for a new documentary due to be show on the BBC, which shows Her Majesty to be a 17th Century vampire who feeds off the blood of young virgins.

The 60-minute documentary, entitled "Vampire Nazi Bankrobber Queen", begins with the Queen giving an interview to an American journalist about her past, saying that "In the modern world, the Royal Family needs new blood" and then cuts to a shot of what appears to be a woman leading a vampire attack on a group of female Hungarian villagers.

Later on in the film, Her Majesty is shown talking about wanting to visit Poland and the film cuts to the Nazi invasion of Poland in 1939, a thousand German soldiers goose-stepping into Warsaw amid deafening cries of "Sieg Heil" and the image of the Queen's face.

Another section of the film shows one of the Queen's servants telling Her Majesty that they need £1,000 to service the Royal Rolls Royce and the Queen replying in an unusually masculine voice "Don't worry, son, I'll take care of the dosh" followed by a cut to a scene of three bankrobbers wearing rubber masks of the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh and Prince Charles, demanding money from a terrified cashier.

The film was due to be shown later this week on BBC 1 and was already extensively reported in the news media. The gates of Buckingham Palace have since been pelted with eggs and tourists outside were heard booing Her Majesty, apart from an American tourist who was heard to say "Victoria and David, we love you".

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said that the film is a gross distortion of the life of the Queen. "Her Majesty is not and has never been a vampire. She wants 'fresh blood' in the Royal Family not to drink but to marry Princes William and Harry. Her Majesty talked about a state visit to Poland in 2008 rather than an illegal invasion of that country in 1939, when she would have been just 13. As for the bankrobbery scene, that wasn't even Her voice."

The BBC said that the film was the result of human error but did not identify whose fault it was or what steps would be taken to punish them. It has announced that the film won't now be shown and they will instead show a film about the life and times of author Sir Salman Rushdie, with special readings from his book "the Satanic Verses".

The BBC was recently fined £50,000 for scamming viewers into making premium rate phone calls to a rigged Blue Peter competition. Although an apology was made, one viewer told us that it consisted of the Sexy Indian Chick Presenter batting her eyelashes at the camera, saying in a sexy voice "I've been a naughty girl, do you want to punish me" and another premium rate number being flashed on screen for viewers to call in and "cyber spank" her at £1 a minute.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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