In the latest anti-smoking move, the Chief Spokeman For ASH (Action on Smoking and Health) said today that the practice of "smirting" (that is, flirting outside a pub, whilst smoking) was an extreme danger to health.
"It has dire consequences," he said, "People just don't know or understand the risks that they are taking on."
He went on: "New survey results indicate that over 340,000 people had died as a result of flirting with cigarettes, and that figure does not include passive flirting by people around them. It could be as high as 500,000 deaths directly attributed to tobacco, smoke, flirting and sex. It's really very dangerous to share lighters and matches, and people take risks by accepting cigarettes from strangers, because you just don't know what's in them."
With froth at the side of his mouth, he further yelled, "We call on the Government to introduce an immediate ban on smirting, and to limit the number of smokers who can gather together in any public or indeed private area to two, both of the same sex. The Government should have some control over the situation."
The spokesman is now lying down in a quiet room.